The Importance of Setting Boundaries
I, like many others, have a hard time saying, “no.” I like people to be happy and often sacrifice my own happiness to make something undesirable work. I do feel good when making others happy, but it can get out of control and quickly deplete my happiness tank. I’ve gotten a lot better at it and sometimes I catch myself saying “no” unnecessarily. There is a balance to setting limits, you don’t want to be too harsh, but you also don’t want to be too lenient. This goes right along with parenting. Kids need limits. They feel loved and cared for when they know where the boundaries are. It seems counterintuitive, I know. They seem so happy when you say “yes,” so the more you say “yes” the happier they will be, right? Nope.
“But, if my daughter likes boundaries why is she ALWAYS pushing limits?” Because she needs to see where you draw the line and if you are consistent about it. If a child pushes the boundaries and you give in, they learn that whatever they did to push the limit works to get what they want and that they wield the power. When you set limits and are consistent, kids know what to expect and that feels really good. She may seem like she wants the control/power*, but she really doesn’t know what to do with it if you relinquish it to her. It’s too much for her little mind to understand and that can lead to disruptive behavior, meltdowns, emotional instability, etc. You are the parent. You are in charge. Kids need to know that in order to feel safe.
What you choose to set firm limits on is unique to your family. Here are some things we plan to have hard and fast rules around:
undesirable physical contact - it is never okay to hurt someone’s body and we want to respect personal space
safety – we must hold hands in parking lots, wear helmets while riding bikes, stay together in public spaces
be respectful - of feelings, time, property, etc.
I recommend sitting down with your partner/nanny/co-teacher and hammering out the things that are really important to you. Having a plan will make it easier to remain consistent, allow everyone to be on the same page, and prevent the feeling of just “winging it”.
*creating a time and space for kids to feel in charge can help balance this. I will write a post about special time to explain further.