What To Do If Your Child Sees You Crying...
Talk about it. There’s no reason to hide your feelings or try to stay perfectly calm and collected all the time. First of all, your kids are incredibly perceptive and can tell when you are upset, so there’s no use trying to hide it. Second of all, it’s not human to be calm all of the time. By expressing your feelings (appropriately!), you are showing your children that feelings are safe to have, to talk about, and to express.
The call for social distancing and shelter in place, while extremely important and necessary, are causing parents and caregivers to be spread very thin and requiring us to take on several different roles all at the same time - parent, teacher, mediator, chef, entertainer, referee, nurse, employee…. We always do these things, but we usually get to spread it out a bit more. All of that combined with the anxiety and fear that come with so much uncertainty, plus life’s other curve balls, are the perfect recipe for big emotions.
So, when you lose it (when, not if) and your child or children happen to see, that’s okay. Assure your child that it’s not his fault and that you will be okay. Take your time calming down. When we quell our feelings, they tend to pop back up in the most untimely way. So, feel it. Recognize it. Let it pass. As my hero Dr. Brene Brown says, “they’ll eat you alive” if you don’t.
Some kids get very uncomfortable when grown ups are upset. They either start acting out, do a song and dance to make you feel better, get upset themselves, etc. It’s their way of saying, “Are you okay? Am I okay? IS EVERYTHING OKAY?”
In the moment, I’d say something like, “I’m upset right now. It’s not your fault and it’s not your job to make it better. I WILL be okay.” Model taking a break, “I need to take a break and take some deep breaths to help my body calm down. I’ll be okay in a few minutes.”
Later, when you are calm, talk about it in more detail. “I was upset earlier. It’s hard to do all of the things it takes to be a good mommy sometimes, especially right now when we need to stay home so much. You didn’t do anything wrong. I got overwhelmed and needed to cry. Crying is okay and I feel much better now. Yucky feelings don’t last forever.” If you feel like your child tries to make you feel better, add a line about how that’s not his job, “I think you were trying to make me feel better. That’s kind of you to try, but it’s not your worry. I’m in charge of my big feelings, just like you are in charge of yours. It did feel good when you gave me a hug. Thank you.”
I know there are many times when our kids are the source of our upset. That’s a post for another day. I’ll leave you with this quote from Dr. Becky Bailey, “No one can make you angry without your permission.” You are still in charge of your emotional response no matter the circumstance ❤️.