Elf on the Shelf and Your Child's Behavior

I posted all of these thoughts on Instagram last year (saved to highlights), but I want to put it here for easier reference in the future…

I think Elf on the Shelf can be super fun! I love the cute setups and think they are a fun way to start your day off on a positive note with your kiddos. What I don’t love is the behavior management part. Here’s why:

It doesn’t work. Behavior does not work that way. More on this below.
It is a glorified reward system. It teaches our kids that they only have to behave when someone’s watching or because they get something out of it. That’s not what we want. Even if it did work (which is doesn’t!!), you will not follow through. Regardless of your child’s behavior December 1-24, you will still have Christmas. (I like reward systems for short-term, specific behavior change, but not for a general “be good” motivator).
It undermines your authority - YOU are in charge, not Santa.
It overemphasizes the material aspect of Christmas, in my opinion. Our kids are already very interested in gifts and toys, no need to fuel that fire.
It puts a lot of pressure on our kids.

The most important point I want to make is that this type of system doesn’t work to promote positive behavior in our kids. It operates under the assumption that our children have the capacity to regulate, as if they think “hmmm, I’m really mad. I want to hit my sister, but I better not because that elf is watching and I want presents.” It doesn’t work that way.

We have got to get rid of the idea that our children are misbehaving because they want to. That they know better and they are choosing not to. That’s not the case. One of my favorite psychologists Dr. Ross Greene says, “Kids do well if they can”. If they have the tools and the energy they need, they will do well. They WANT to do well. When they misbehave, we have to remember that it’s their way of telling us they need help. It’s not that they WON’T behave, it’s that they CAN’T in that moment. They are in a dysregulated state, they have an unmet need (attention??), they are lacking a skill…it’s our job to help them with that. That’s discipline.

Their brains are still under construction and, like I mentioned in a previous post, the road to emotional regulation is long and bumpy. It takes a lot of time to get there. As we use positive discipline and coach them, the connections in the brain get stronger and they are better able to access the appropriate skill, but again, it takes a lot of time.

So, all that being said, do your elf! But keep it fun and light. Reach out for help if you are struggling with discipline. I’m here for you!

Check out my story highlight “Elf on the Shelf” on Instagram for tips on how to address Elf stuff with your kiddos.